road map to nowhere: dispatch from the bread line, day four

It was strange to spend the day at home with my family. It’s not a day off, and it’s not a vacation; instead, it’s a none-too-subtle reminder that the world is moving forward and, for the time being, I’m not. The pressure now is building on what to do: these unemployment benefits aren’t going to begin to cover many of our expenses, not to mention rent.

I’m also thankful that we live in a neighborhood where the neighbors aren’t all that nosy. Surely, people notice that the car in the driveway hasn’t been missing for forty hours a week, and I don’t particularly care to have to explain to someone that I lost my job. (Although, in fairness, I’m not having much trouble with that here.)

The problem is that, if I’m perfectly honest, I don’t know where I’m going from here. Resumes and applications have been sent everywhere, but nothing has jumped out that really piques my interest, and I can’t afford to go all starving artist as a writer-blogger right now. I’m caught in a catch-22 where the graduate program I was in has no natural link to a doctoral program, while I cannot afford to take time to keep studying and working toward a Ph.D. So teaching is out. I felt the tug to move back toward vocational ministry, but no doors have opened. It’s a frustrating time. Still, no panic. Not yet, at least.

It’s easy to resort to jealousy for those who have their lives figured out and are going for the gold. I envy you, because I thought I had an idea once of what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be. Being a CSR definitely wasn’t part of the plan, but neither was coming here to Mecca. In fact, nothing from the plan has really worked out the way I had planned. Now, for the first time in a long time, I truly don’t know what to do, what the plan is or how to get from point A to some unspecified point B.

Right now, it’s a road map to nowhere. In the absence of a clear destination, we are left little choice but to keep moving straight ahead.

At least we’re still moving.


Dispatches from the Bread Line are week-daily blog posts until I’m employed again.


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