briefly, pencils for sale

I lost my job today.

The Man no longer had need for me, and the kneejerk temptation was to rage and wax indignant as the violated, aggrieved dumped. Or to cry out of despair, or to take to the interwebs and air out any number of dirty little secrets–after all, I didn’t sign any non-disclosure paperwork when I left.

None of that happened, nor is any of it going to. Instead, I feel remarkably at peace with what happened.

I’m faced with a lot of questions: do we stay in Mecca, or go back to God’s Country? Do we look elsewhere in the country? Do I begin to lean on this webspace toward a writing career? Do I look at going back into the academy? The ministry? How am I supposed to take care of wife-mama and the beans? What will happen to Seneca?

We don’t have a lot of time to make any decisions, and yet I’m not panicked or freaking out. In fact, I find myself feeling more like an actual human being than I have in a long, long time. (A Thursday evening at home? What is this strange sensation?)

A few months back, I had this revelation, and at the time it was fairly depressing: The job I had is a job people do while their on their way toward something else. And there is a place for those kinds of positions. At the same time, for me, it was what was available for me at the time. I had aborted a position I appreciated at a hotel I liked in a city we loved because of extenuating circumstances that led wife to a plum job here in the Holy City. The beans forced wife into early retirement and now I’m out of work.

Now, I need to figure out what that something else is for me/us. We have lots of decisions to make, lots of questions to answer, prayers to pray and ideas to brainstorm. On the face of it, it would appear that we are facing impending doom; and that would give anybody, this writer included, reason to freak–justifiably so. That said, for today and the next few days, we need not panic. Nothing short of a miracle is happening in the next four or five days that will bring things back to any sense of a status quo. Which leaves me wondering, should they?

In the meantime, I get to get a little too familiar with my resume, reacquaint myself with this confounded contraption known as a ‘tread-mill’, focus on my writing, spend time with my [ridiculously adorable] babies and [awe-inspiring and graceful] wife-mama and pursue any number of avenues for our future.

And, when I wake up at 3am and the calm has worn off in favor of an exhausted, delirious meltdown, feel free to remind me that there is nothing that can be done in the middle of the night that will solve anything.

Today wasn’t the end; fittingly, it is the advent.


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