Captain McCluskey days

“Ah, I guess I’m gettin’ too old for my job. Too grouchy — can’t stand the aggravation. You know how it is.” — Sterling Hayden as Captain McCluskey, The Godfather

My nerves are about fried these days. I feel like I’m in entropy. Though I never intended for this site to be a place where I vent and treat it as some kind of exhibitionistic diary, I think I need it to be such tonight.

We just finished three weeks of transitioning out of our apartment, putting our stuff into storage and are now living with the parents until our time here finishes just after Memorial Day. Realistically, life may not be normal again until August.

I’m getting to be this crotchety this soon, I don’t know if I would want to know me come summer. The stress is cracking me. I jumped the gun and unloaded on some poor schmuck on Facebook the other night. I was right, but I was also very, very wrong. Looking back, I should have just left it alone, or at least given the benefit of the doubt. Little things, AKA the bane of my existence, pile up and get under my skin. The one descends to four, even breaking through to the unhealthy levels. A typically benign case of OCD has gotten noticeably more dominating, I find myself rationalizing ways to blow off some steam, leaving me generally lethargic. The time I get to myself I find teeming with ennui. When I’m busy, I’m too busy; when I’m not I’m bored. It’s not a good cycle to be in. And then there’s school. Lots of work ahead to plow through.

So I’m here at work during audit, with a moment to reflect. To breathe. Finally.

Things really aren’t that bad. Tax season kicked us in the nards, we were broke for almost two weeks recovering from what is our last massive self-employment tax payout. Now we’re stockpiling cash, readying for the big move. Wife’s job is set and waiting a final rubber stamp; I finally am getting a break and hammering out details. We’re working on acquiring a mortgage. I’m back in an exercise routine that kicks my butt in a good way. We have so much to look forward to.

And I’m self-destructing from stress.

So I’m going to take some time to regroup, get things together, get my life back in balance and see what happens from there. I’m cutting off Facebook and temporarily shrinking my world. Spending some time in the scriptures, getting back to reading The Imitation regularly. And writing out here in a way that doesn’t blow people apart.

The information age has shrunk our world to an uncomfortable size. All this access to information and data hasn’t necessarily improved humanity; sometimes I wonder if it makes it worse. (This past winter, I read Anthony O’Hear’s After Progress, which served as affirmation of such sentiment. Highly recommended.) Things are more convenient, but convenient doesn’t necessarily mean better. It makes mincemeat of the disposition of the learned and unlearned, the savvy and crude, the sacred and the profane. But if this is the great equalizer, I’m already skeptical of egalitarian worldview: I don’t need this. Perhaps we could all stand for less of it.

Of course, this is a lesson learned after the meltdown. What can I do but take stock, clean up and start over?


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